Jimmy Buffett, the great philosopher, has lyrics that can attune to my soul. My concupiscent nature of the human condition contrasts my greater and deeper for sainthood. The diametrical opposition is made clear in the lyrics of "Bank of Bad Habits".
I'm no St. Ignatius, but again I'm no bar fly.
The wrong thing is the right thing until you lose control,
I got this bank of bad habits in a corner of my soul.
How is it, that I can easily commit to God for a short period of time? If my desire is to abstain from a certain thing or live a certain way for a day, a week, even a Lenten season... no factor. My soul isn’t troubled or disheartened in anyway under those terms. Because with terms, there is an expiration date whereby I can yet again delve into my own debauchery. But, as always and soon after, I find myself trapped, yet again. I get feelings of guilt and loathing. It’s a vicious cycle that I find myself in. How can I break the cycle, or rather do I really want to break the cycle?
Maybe I liken my quest for sainthood like Saint Augustine. "Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo (Grant me chastity and self-control but not yet)."
Why am I like this? Why I feel so torn? Why do I feel so compelled and tempted to sin in one moment, but understand the need and have a desire for conversion? Why do I feel restless? Augustine had the answer for that too, "You have made us for yourself O Lord, & our heart is restless until it rests in you."
Just like Augustine, Jimmy Buffett had an answer found later in the song, "Just put away those alibis, you can’t fool that banker in the sky."
This evening, instead of withdrawing from my bank of bad habits, I'm going to make a deposit. Tonight's rosary is for the repose of the soul of Jimmy Buffett.
No comments:
Post a Comment